


The Little Things

by EnterGeek



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-04-03 17:55:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4109851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnterGeek/pseuds/EnterGeek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two years after the break up and weeks before graduation, Connor and Jude are forced to reevaluate their feelings towards each other. A letter Connor gave Jude to be opened the day they graduate could bring them back together or tear them apart. They learned to appreciate the little things once, maybe they can again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue - The Good Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Jude have been dating for a while now and are still learning to appreciate each other. Finding out that perhaps it's the little things in the relationship that matter most. But the good times don't last forever; that's for another chapter.

Laughing Jude follows Connor into his house. “Taylor did not say that,” Connor asks flatly. Jude still laughing, simply nods.

“Typical,” Connor says as a smile spreads across his face. “She’s lucky we’re still friends with her!”

Sobering up Jude replies, “Oh c’mon, it’s funny!”

Connor furrows his brows, “I don’t like it when people talk about us breaking up.” Jude knows not to push it anymore so he grabs Connor’s hand. “We’re not breaking up, okay? I like you too much.”

 

Sufficiently consoled Connor rubs his thumb on the back of Jude’s hand, “I like you too, babe.”

Jude leans in and he can feel his breath on his face when he pulls back slightly. “Please, I know you love me.”

Smirking Connor answers by closing the distance.

 

Connor touches his forehead to Jude’s. “Want to head up to my room and I’ll grab some snacks?”

Breathing in and out, Jude just stares into Connor’s eyes and says, “You better get the good snacks because you’ll need your energy to win this gaming marathon!” He then flashes a smile and pecks Connor’s lips before heading upstairs.

Connor shakes his head in disbelief. I still can’t believe we’re together. He continues to think about Jude as he moves around the kitchen.

  
A lot of people thought Jude didn’t like Connor as much as Connor liked Jude. It wasn’t enough they thought it but they actually told Connor. Right away Connor was surprised anyone paid that close of attention to them as a couple. After a while he started to see where they were coming from. When they walked through school it was him who reached to hold Jude’s hand. At lunch he would move to sit by Jude who otherwise was content to just sit across from him. During the day anyone who saw the two of them together would see how little Jude reciprocated Connor’s affection. So yeah, right away it concerned Connor.  
But it didn’t take long for Connor to just smile when people asked him if he was happy with Jude. They would stare as he just smiled before they gave up. The answer was of course yes, he is very happy with Jude. The fact no one knew how much Jude cared for him only made it better. He knew and that’s all that mattered. It was so obvious Jude cared for Connor it sometimes made him laugh that people couldn’t see it.

  
If they just looked closer they would see it, too. When Connor grabs Jude’s hand there’s a moment where his lips flicker into a smile and he squeezes Connor’s hand. In class when everyone is listening to the teacher, Connor is watching Jude. The way he glances at Connor and shyly smiles or how he doodles in his notes a heart with a subtle letter ‘C’ in it. No one sees it because they’re not paying attention. Maybe they would understand if they could see all the little things Jude does.

  
When he doesn’t think Connor is looking he’ll stare at him and most of the time Connor pretends not to notice. Every once in a while though, he turns to look at him. Surprisingly Jude doesn’t turn away and try to pretend he wasn’t staring instead his grin gets wider. The look Jude gives him fills his stomach with butterflies and makes his whole body tingle. Connor knows what he means to Jude because these looks tell him everything he needs to know.

  
One of Connor’s favorite things is when Jude wears his sweatshirts but the story of why he wears them is what makes it his favorite. It all started when they were hanging out at Connor’s when Jude complained he was cold. Connor offered to cuddle underneath a blanket but Jude insisted they keep playing some game. So he relented and grabbed a sweatshirt for him from his closet. After laughing sarcastically at Jude pretending to be surprised it wasn’t flannel he put it on. They both didn’t think anything of it when Lena came to pick up Jude, so he wore it home. The next day at school when Connor brought it up Jude said he wanted to keep it. He was suspicious but he shrugged it off.

  
A couple of weeks later Jude gave the sweatshirt back to him. Confused Connor asks, “Are you breaking up with me?”

His eyes got big before hastily replying. “No, no, no. Connor I don’t want to break up!” Trailing off at the end he adds, “It just doesn’t . . .”

Raising an eyebrow, “Doesn’t what, Jude?”

His cheeks got red before he sheepishly responds, “Doesn’t smell like you anymore, okay?”

Connor doesn’t know why but this seemed like the best news he had ever heard. “You want another one?”

Surprised Jude stammers, “W-what did you say?”

Studying Jude’s face he carefully replies, “Do you want me to get you another sweatshirt of mine?

” Slowly Jude nods, “You don’t think it’s weird?”

Taking Jude’s hand, Connor leans in close, “No, I think it’s cute.”

 

  
Opening the fridge to grab something to drink he thinks about their conversations in the evenings. Sometimes late at night when they’re supposed to be sleeping they’ll just talk. It doesn’t even matter what they talk about; they’re happy just talking. One night in particular, Jude got quiet and Connor waited to see if his boyfriend fell asleep before a small voice started.

“How did I get so lucky, Connor?”

Smiling he replied, “What do you mean?”

The silence settles again before Connor heard rustling coming from Jude’s bed and a few quick footsteps. Then the covers are pleasantly pulled back and Jude is snuggled up against him.

Both of them smiling to themselves, they settle in for the night.

“For having you.” Connor absorbed the admission before turning slightly and kissing the top of Jude’s head. He let out a small laugh, “I’m the lucky one, Juju.”

Jude doesn’t reply but presses himself closer to Connor.

 

  
Humming happily to himself Connor gathers up the snacks and heads up to his room.

 

Jude had been in Connor’s room before. In fact, he had been in Connor’s room a lot. For some reason, he didn’t notice until now what was actually in Connor’s room. All over his room, on the walls, on his desk and even taped to his door was stuff from when the two of them had spent time together. Taking a closer look, Jude was surprised to find Connor had kept almost everything the two of them had shared. On his desk were the two movie tickets from the movie they had gone to last week and he had scribbled something on the back. Next to the tickets was a folded piece of paper filled with notes they had written during class. They hadn’t passed notes like that for months.

  
Connor had kept almost everything and Jude was smiling to himself as he wandered around the room inspecting the items. Pictures he had taken of Jude when he wasn’t looking were plastered on the wall. He had framed the picture his moms had taken before they went on their first date. Jude could still remember how he felt that day and seeing Connor’s smiling face only surfaced more memories.

  
All day Jude had been looking forward to his date with Connor. Nothing too fancy, just dinner and a movie. But it meant a lot to Jude and he could barely contain his excitement when Connor asked him.

Now he was feeling nervous.

 

_What if Connor doesn’t have a good time? He’s gone on more dates than I have. What if it’s so bad he wants to break up? Why did I agree to this?!_

 

Jude’s nervous pacing was not unnoticed in the Foster household. After a short conversation it was Mariana who knocked and then opened the door.

“Hey Judicorn, something on your mind?” She smiled weakly, closing the door behind her.

Jude shot her a nervous glance. “Mariana I think I made a huge mistake.”

  
Mariana walked over to Jude’s bed and sat down patting the spot next to her. “Talk to me, what’s got you so worried?”

Taking a seat he takes a deep breath. “Connor and I kind of have our first date tonight.”

Nodding she looks at him expectantly. “Oh Jude, it’s normal to be nervous about first dates!” Shaking her head and laughing she adds, “I haven’t been dating for too long but I’ve had my fair share of awkward dates.”

Jude raises an eyebrow. “Hey! Just because I’m comforting you doesn’t mean I’ll tell you all my secrets,” she remarks before continuing, “but I can tell you that everything worked out. So don’t worry.”

Jude hugs Mariana and says, “Thanks, maybe I’m getting worked up over nothing.”

She beams and looks him up and down. “Now let’s do something about your clothes.”

 

  
After that minor setback the rest of the night had been perfect. When Lena insisted on taking pictures Jude protested but Connor chuckled and told her it was okay.

Posing he whispered in Jude’s ear, “I want to remember this moment forever, so smile.”

Jude felt himself blushing as he smiled for the camera.

The rest of the night was a blur of laughs, intertwined hands and stolen kisses. Neither of them cared if anything went wrong because they were with each other.

 

  
Jude continues to look around the room when he comes to two mysterious objects; an envelope with his name on it and a small black box. He was still staring when Connor walked in.

Interested in what he was looking at, Connor walked up behind Jude and wrapped his arms around his waist.

“Whoa there, boyfriend! Did you forget the snacks?” Jude laughed as turned around.

“No, my dear. I set them over there.” Motioning to the desk, “What are you looking at?”

Making a grand gesture around the room, “All the stuff you kept. I can’t believe you did it.”

With a twinkle in his eye Connor replies. “You’re important to me Jude and I don’t want to miss anything.”

Jude eyed his boyfriend suspiciously. “OK, call me sentimental but all of this is important to me.”

A quick nod and Jude accepts this answer but adds, “What about those two things?” Jude cocks his head towards the envelope and box.

Connor’s eyes light up and he bounds over and picks up the two items.

  
Connor mischievously says, “Let’s start with the letter.”

Jude answers slowly, “Okay.”

Taking Jude’s hand Connor launches into an explanation. “You remember in English class when we had to write a letter to our future selves?”

Without waiting for a response he barrels on. “Well, I decided to write a letter to the future Jude.” He continues excitedly, “This letter is to be opened on the day of our high school graduation”

Turning over the letter he reveals those words written over the seal.

”Now, because I trust you I’m going to give it to you now but you have to promise to wait to open it. Will you do that for me?”

Connor is rolling on the balls of his feet with energy so Jude can’t help but reply, “Of course I will. But what can you say to future Jude you can’t say to me now?”

Connor taps his finger against his head, “That’s the thing, there isn’t anything I can’t say to you now. But who knows what future Connor will say to future Jude and vice versa.”

He looks like he’s thought of the most brilliant plan. “What’s in this letter you’ll need to know on graduation day no matter what.”

Jude walks over to his backpack and slides the envelope inside. ”All right Connor, I look forward to reading a letter from my favorite person in a few years time!”

Laughing he walks back to Connor. “Now what about that black box?”

 

  
The mood shifts in the room as Connor glances at the box and picks it up.

“This is kinda complicated.” Nervously shifting the box from hand to hand he slides into Jude’s palm. “You can open it.”

Purposely turning his head down to look, Jude opens it.

“Connor, this is a ring. You sure there isn’t anything else you have to add?” Smirking Jude raises his eyes to meet Connor’s.

  
Sarcastically Connor responds, “Oh, c’mon Jude we just had our one year anniversary.” Shaking his head, “Don’t expect a proposal for a long time.”

  
“So I should expect one eventually then?” Jude teasingly replies to a stunned Connor before getting serious. “Then what’s the deal with the ring?”

  
Bracing himself Connor just blurts out, “The ring was my dad’s.”

Jude doesn’t reply but looks back down at the ring.

“You see it was his class ring and he gave it to me a couple of years ago with some very clear instructions.”

Furrowing his brow and deepening his voice, “ _Connor, you’ll be in high school in a few short years and I know you’ll meet someone special. I want you to give them this ring and never let them go_.”

Letting out a long sigh he waits for Jude to respond.

  
Nodding Jude seems content. “Okay, that’s cool.”

An all too familiar look takes over his face, “You know, we’ll be in high school next year. Should I start getting the ring sized?” Laughing he closes the box and takes his boyfriend’s hand.

Connor pulls him in closer, “You already know I think you’re special and I hope you don’t need some ring to prove it.” He moves to kiss Jude before he starts shaking.

Concerned Jude opens his eyes and finds him laughing.

“Jude, you don’t think this is funny?”

A little insulted he shakes his head.

“No Jude, don’t you see?” Connor raises his eyebrows and Jude doesn’t budge.

“My dad gave me this ring to give to someone and that someone was supposed to be a girl. Bet he didn’t see that coming?”

Jude’s mouth forms an ‘o’ before he playfully punches Connor. “As long as I have you, he can keep his ring.”

 

 

Connor’s eyes have a certain shine to them when he looks at Jude and he pulls him into a warm embrace, “This is perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my very first fanfiction. I would appreciate any and all feedback! Thank you! I'm working on writing a few follow-ups regarding the ring and the letter but I'd like to know if you're interested!


	2. The Fallout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jude and Connor find out the hard way what's like to live without each other. Jude is doing his best to make it to graduation and Connor is terrified of what will happen once school is done. The little things from their past may just become the most important things for their future.

This isn’t the way things were supposed to be. Days like today were supposed to be cold and rainy. That’s what Connor thought as he continued making the walk back to his house. He could feel the sun beating down on his back and the breeze blowing through his hair. Today was a beautiful day. He wanted nothing more than to enjoy this day but he couldn’t. _This can’t be it._ The same thing kept repeating itself in his head over and over again. _This can’t be it._ Replaying the scene again in his mind, he tries to figure out where it went wrong.

 

“We need to talk, Connor.”

Scared of what was coming, “Jude, please…”

Finally meeting his eyes, Jude just shakes his head. “I can’t do this. Not anymore.”

“Please, I love you…” Connor pleaded.

Expecting him to shut him down he’s surprised by Jude’s anger. “Then why won’t you say it?”

Stunned, Connor just opens and closes his mouth.

“See? You claim you love me but you can’t say it.” Jude’s anger softens. “You know I love you.”

Connor quietly asks, “Then why are you doing this?”

Now Jude looks defeated, “Because it’s not fair to either of us.”

“It’s not that big of a deal-, “ Connor starts.

“Not that big of a deal?!” Jude’s anger returning.  “This is a huge deal!”

“But-“

Resolutely Jude states, “No. I am not disposable,” his eyes don’t move from Connor’s, “I deserve more.”

Connor’s voice begins to rise, “Jude, I can’t predict the future! What do you expect from me?”

“It’s not about what I expect.”

“Then what is it!?” Connor searches Jude’s face for answers. “I’m fighting for you.”

“Right now, I am fighting for you. Is this not proof enough?”

Jude can’t tell if Connor looks more scared or angry.

“I don’t want you to fight for me. I want you to be there for me.”

Moving closer and wrapping his arms around Jude, “I’m right here.”

Connor slowly leans in, giving Jude every chance to pull away.

But he doesn’t and they melt into the kiss.

All the emotions in the room are trying to be conveyed by this kiss.

Jude gently pushes on Connor’s chest and the moment is gone.

“Connor, I love you so much.”

A smile ghosting across his face, “I love you, too.”

Connor’s smile falters when he sees Jude’s face.

“But I need more than your temporary love.”

The tears begin to fall down Jude’s face.

“I-I just can’t do this to myself.”

Concerned Connor gently rubs the back of Jude’s hand, “This can be enough.”

“Why do we need anything else? Please, can’t what we have be enough?”

Jude simply shakes his head.

Connor’s shoulders start to tremble and soon he’s crying, too.

They both just give in and sob quietly together. Neither sure who’s supporting the other.

After a while Jude starts softly, “I’m scared.”

Wiping away the tears on his cheek, Connor replies meekly, “You’re scared? I’m terrified.”

Jude laughs a little before letting out a sob. “What am I going to do without you?”

With less hope than before, Connor adds, “You don’t have to find out.”

“Yes, I do. I need to start figuring out what life is going to be like without you.”

A spark in his eye, Connor grits his teeth. “No, I won’t let you do this.”

“Do what?”

“Give up on us.” Connor stares stubbornly at Jude, “I won’t let you give up on us. I just won’t.”

Bringing his hand up to hold his face, Jude pulls Connor in for another kiss before pulling back.

“I’m not the one giving up.”

Connor’s face falls and he looks down at the floor.

Pushing his way through this mess Jude tries to keep talking, “Do you want the necklace back?”

Confused Connor glances at Jude, “What necklace?”

“The one with the silver heart.”

Connor looks mortified. “Jude, I gave that to you on our second anniversary. You don’t just give those kinds of things back.”

“But you probably spent so much on it.”

He just shakes his head. “When someone gives you their heart, it’s yours. Keep it.”

He tries to find Jude’s gaze but doesn’t. “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want.”

They stay there in silence as their breathing begins to even out.

Squeezing his hand, Jude sighs. “You used me to find yourself.”

Shifting his jaw, Connor doesn’t have an answer.

Jude continues, “And that’s okay. Really.” A long pause follows.

“I’ve felt too many times that I’m only temporary and now I know what I deserve.”

A broken Connor touches his forehead to Jude’s and weakly replies, “But I love you…”

Jude drops Connor’s hand and takes a step back. “Then let me go.”

 

 

That night Jude curled up with one of Connor’s old sweatshirts and cried himself to sleep. The pain of abandonment was all too familiar to him but this felt brand new. All he could think about was how impermanent everything was. How Connor’s sweatshirt would stop smelling like him. How Connor would stop loving him. These thoughts haunted Jude’s dreams as he fitfully slept.

 

Connor couldn’t feel anything. He was completely numb. For hours he just sat at his desk and did nothing. Felt nothing. He wondered if it was easier to just shut out all emotions. Especially when they’re this painful. Picking up the object he had been staring at he got up from the desk and walked towards the door. Wanting privacy he moved to close it but found himself leaning against it instead. Slowly he opened the black box he was holding and let the emptiness of it fill him up. Losing it now he feels himself slump down to the floor. Adam found his son crying and only had to see the empty ring box to know what happened. He brings himself down to his son’s level and just holds him and prepares himself for the long night ahead.

 

They thought the pain would never end. It was their first love. _They thought the pain would never end._

 

But it didn’t last.

In fact, Jude wasn’t even aware that today marked exactly two years since the breakup. What he did know was that his relationship with Connor would never be the same. It took almost a year but they became friends again and they were both relieved beyond belief. He was meeting Connor and Taylor for lunch today or at least that’s what he thought as they were both late.

 

Giving up on them he decides to just grab a table and start eating. It wasn’t long after he started eating that the two of them decided to show up.

“Jude! You started eating without us!?” Taylor says laughing.

He just rolls his eyes as she sits next to him.

With a look of disbelief she glances at Connor, “Can you believe this kid?”

 

“We are late, Taylor.” Connor shrugs.

“Shut up, Connor.”

“So Jude, what’s this I hear about you going on a date with Daniel?” Taylor smirks.

Jude blushes. “It’s nothing. We’re just going on one date.”

“And where is this fine gentleman taking you?” Connor asks.

“Not sure. I think just out to eat.”

“Well that sounds boring,” she states plainly before turning to Connor, “we need to find you a date.”

Connor snorts, “Yeah, like you know the type of guy I like?”

“Hey! The last time I set you up with someone it ended pretty well for you!”

“We remember that ending very differently.”

Jude looks confused. “Who did you set Connor up with?”

Taylor looks uncomfortable. “Ummmm-“

Thankfully Connor steps in, “No one. It was a long time ago.”

 

Jude accepts this answer for no other reason than to change the subject. He and Connor were friends again but it’s always been strained. They only hang out if there’s someone else with them and they never discuss each other’s romantic interests. Moving on was hard for them but they got through it. Jude had gone on a few dates in the past year but Connor had avoided them at all costs. Much to Jude’s surprise Connor had even went to prom with Taylor.

               

Finishing his lunch Jude gets up to leave. “I’ll see you two later, I have some homework to do.”

Connor nods and Taylor replies, “Cool.”

After making sure Jude is out of earshot, Taylor turns to Connor.

“Thanks for covering for me with Jude.”

Raising an eyebrow Connor huffs, “Whatever, Taylor.”

Taylor pretends to be direly insulted. “Connor, what did I ever do to you?”

She starts giggling as Connor doesn’t break and maintains a serious face.

“It’s not funny, Taylor” Connor scowls.

Coming down from her high, “Oh please, it’s not like you still have feelings for him.”

He doesn’t say anything but shifts uncomfortably.

“Oh my god, Connor. You do!”

Taylor incredulously stares at Connor while he looks back pleadingly.

“Why the hell aren’t you doing anything about it?”

Connor looks at her like it’s the stupidest question in the world.

“He made it very clear he just wants to be friends.”

She sympathetically puts a hand over his. “But you don’t?”

“No.”

“Then let’s do something about it.”

Connor just rolls his eyes. “Like what?”

“Some grand gesture. All or nothing. What do you have to lose?”

Laughing Connor flails his arms around, “A grand gesture? Are you kidding?”

“Jude hates those kinds of things. Besides I kind of already have a plan.”

Taylor leans forward interested, “Oh you do, do you? Tell me more.”

“Promise not to laugh?”

“You know I can’t make that promise.”

“Fine.”

Connor glances around to make sure no one is listening.

“About a year into our relationship I gave Jude a letter.”

“A letter?”

“Yes, a letter. Now don’t interrupt.”

Connor continues, “I told him the letter wasn’t to be opened until we graduated high school.”

“And you think whatever is in the letter will win Jude over?”

He shakes his head. “No, but he’ll believe what’s in that letter.”

“Why won’t he believe what you say now?”

“He’ll think I’m just saying it because I know what he wants me to say.”

Taylor's eyes get wide as she understands, “Ah, so if he reads it from past you then he knows you meant it.”

Connor grins, “See? There’s a chance.”

Frowning she adds, “There’s only one problem?”

“What?”

“How do you know he still has the letter?”

Smacking himself in the head, Connor feels stupid.

“How did I not think of that?”

“Good thing you have me.”

Taylor sighs and starts getting up. “Tell you what. I’ll talk to Jude and see if he still has the letter?”

“Won’t he be suspicious?”

“You obviously don’t know me at all” she sniffs before flashing a smile.

“Thank you!” Connor calls after her.

 

Why had he not though about Jude getting rid of the letter? The months following the breakup had been some of the hardest of his life. But once he and Jude became friends again things got better. Just being able to talk to and hang out with Jude brightened his day. At first he thought it meant he was getting over Jude when he started being happy again. Connor found out the hard way when Jude started dating other guys he had just tricked himself into thinking they were going to get back together. All he wanted was for Jude to be happy so Connor resigned himself to letting Jude go and waiting until he could move on. Then graduation approached and everyone started talking about their plans for after high school and hit him he would never be able to stay friends with Jude and be able to move on. So, he decided whatever happened with the letter would decide what they would become. Connor was terrified they would be strangers at their class reunion but a small part of him held out hope they would somehow end up going there together.

 

Connor is brought back to the present when he feels his phone go off. Pulling it out of his jeans he reads the newest message from Taylor.

**Going to talk to Jude after school. I’ll let you know how it goes tonight.**

Satisfied, Connor taps out a quick reply and slides his phone back into his pocket. If Jude doesn’t have the letter he has no idea what he’s going to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a monster for starting a fic out like this. It was really hard to write the breakup parts. This is still my first fanfiction so I would still appreciate any and all feedback! Also, it is now going to be a multi-part fic. I've planned out and started writing at least four more chapters at this point. I have a few ideas for oneshots floating around in my head that I might post at some point.


	3. The Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taylor talks to Jude about the letter and stirs up some old memories. As Jude reminisces about his second anniversary with Connor, he ends up not exactly sure how he feels now.

Jude wanted to start walking home but he couldn’t. He was stuck waiting at the bench for Taylor to show up. After lunch she made him promise to hang out after school. All attempts to back out were met with _“We’re graduating soon, Jude!” or “If we don’t hang out now, we never will!”_ and he really couldn’t fight that. Jude marvels how someone could be so adamant to spend time together and be this late. Pulling out his phone he starts to text Taylor asking where she is but only gets enough time to unlock it.

 

“Who are you texting?” Taylor raises her eyebrows suggestively.  “Daniel, perhaps?”

Jude glares, “I was texting you. You’re ten minutes late if you didn’t notice.”

Throwing her hands up in surrender, “Relax, dude. Just a joke.”

Without saying a word they start the familiar walk to the Foster’s house.

“On a more serious note, I’m happy for you and Daniel.” Taylor starts supportively.

Jude seems amused, “There isn’t a me and Daniel. Not yet at least.”

“Whatever you say.” Taylor pushes on, “I’ve been doing some thinking.”

“This can’t be good.”

Taylor playfully shoves Jude, “Now who’s being mean?”

“All right, all right. What have you been thinking about?”

She scrunches her nose up. “Graduation and stuff.”

“Yeah?”

Studying Jude she asks, “Do you think we’ll all be friends after?”

“I think so.” Jude nods so slowly, “I hope so.”

“Me too” Taylor beams at Jude before stopping, “Speaking of graduation. . .”

Jude raises an eyebrow, “Yes?”

“This might be kind of awkward to bring up.”

Bringing his hand to rest encouragingly on her arm Jude adds, “What is it?”

“It’s about Connor.” With that Taylor turns and continues walking.

Jude doesn’t move for a few seconds but then hurries to catch up.

“What about Connor?”

Glancing nervously at Jude, “Do you still have his letter?”

“What letter?”

“A couple years ago you told me he gave you a letter?”

Watching him carefully she continues, “A letter to be opened on graduation day?”

“Does any of this sound familiar?”

Jude’s face contorts in concentration as he tries to remember.

Suddenly his eyes get wide and he says, “Oh.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I remember that letter.”

Taylor waits for him to continue but presses him when he doesn’t. “Do you still have it?”

“I don’t know.”

Scratching the back of his neck Jude opens up, “Actually, I think I threw it away.”

“Why would you do that?” Taylor asks skeptically.

Jude sheepishly responds, “It was too painful.”

“After we broke up I had all these reminders of him in my room. I didn’t want to deal with it so my moms and I cleaned out everything we could find and threw away what we thought wasn’t needed.”

Taylor is still shocked. “Including the letter?”

“It probably got lumped with the piles of paper from our notes and the drawings he gave me.”

“Woah, you trashed his drawings? Foster, you are way more cold than I give you credit for.”

Jude frowns, “I didn’t do it to be mean. Besides I’m sure he did the same thing.”

“Maybe.” Taylor shrugs.

They walk in silence for a few blocks.

“Do you still want to hang out, Jude?”

Guiltily he answers, “Not really. I think I just want a quiet night. Tomorrow?”

“Definitely,” Taylor grins “Don’t beat yourself up too much, okay?”

“Yeah.” Jude waves and they go their separate ways.

 

Picking up his pace Jude rushes home. All the while thinking about the letter. Unsure if he actually threw it away or not he was determined to find out.

 

The walk to his house seemed to take an eternity. When he finally arrives he slips inside and doesn’t even bother to say hi to Lena in the living room. He takes the stairs two at time, he reaches his room and closes the door. Taking a deep breath, he looks around the room. _Where would I have put the letter?_ There was only one spot it could be; the bottom desk drawer. That’s where he kept everything that reminded him of Connor. Jude sits down at the desk and just stares at the drawer. There’s a moment where he considers not opening it but that passes. Without thinking he reaches for the handle and gently pulls it open revealing a small collection of items. On top of everything is a silver heart.

 

Picking up the heart Jude cradles it in his palm. A small smile forms on his lips as he remembers the day he got it.

 

* * *

 

 

Looking at himself in the mirror he knew something wasn’t right. Was it his hair? Maybe the shirt he’s wearing is the wrong color. Worry is painted all over his face as he hurries to make everything perfect. He was about to change shirts for the fifth time when he hears it.

“Jude, let’s go! We’re going to be late for school!”

Wincing he shouts back, “Okay, be down in a second.” Out of time he grabs his backpack and heads downstairs.

Mariana is tapping her foot impatiently at the door when she sees Jude. “What took you so long?”

“I’m sorry I was just-“ Throwing an apologetic look towards her he motions to the door. “I’m sorry.”

She raises an eyebrow but doesn’t question it and walks out the door.

 

Fortunately for the two of them they make it to school just in time. Jude grabs some books out of his locker and heads to class. Breathing a sigh of relief he takes his seat. Connor wasn’t in this class with him. In fact, Jude wouldn’t see Connor until lunch time and then they only had one class together in the afternoon. Jude calmed down a bit when he realized this. Nothing was wrong between him and Connor, they were actually doing great, but today was a special day. Today was their second anniversary and it also happened to be a Monday. To take the pressure off the day they had decided to celebrate the weekend after. Connor argued they wouldn’t have enough time on Monday with school getting in the way.

This didn’t make Jude any less nervous. He kept thinking of the small box in wrapping paper nestled inside his backpack. Not wanting to be outdone by Connor if he decided to give Jude his present early, he had brought Connor’s gift to school. The gift was yet another thing Jude was nervous about. He spent weeks brainstorming ideas on what to get Connor before he decided. Connor was better at gift giving and he knew it. Every time they celebrated anything Jude was surprised how thoughtful Connor’s gifts were. Jude hoped his present would be enough.

 

 

Class seemed to take forever. Jude simultaneously wanted the class to be over and for it to never end. But like all things, it came to an end. Gathering his things Jude makes his way back to his locker. It only takes a few seconds but he notices Connor is walking towards him from the other end of the hallway. A few more seconds and Connor makes the same realization. They lock eyes for a moment and then Connor makes a face before suddenly turning into a classroom.

Jude knew that wasn’t where Connor’s next class was and now had something else to worry about. _Is Connor avoiding me, too?_ Jude’s confusion only increased as he made it to his next class. _Why would he be worried?_ It must have been written on his face because Taylor said something immediately.

“Dude, are you okay?”

Jude tilts his head slightly, “I’m not sure.”

Glancing up at the clock she replies, “We got four minutes, let’s talk.”

Frowning Jude starts, “I think Connor is avoiding me.”

“What makes you say that?”

Jude begins to wring his hands together. “Well, I was just in the hallway and Connor was walking towards me and then he just turned into the wrong room. But before that he had the strangest look on his face. Almost like he was scared. I mean, I’ve been avoiding him too but for good reason. I just-“

Taylor cuts him off, “Okay, first you need to relax.”

Jude nods and focuses on his breathing.

Pleased, she continues, “Second, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. You and Connor are like the strongest couple I know. I’m sure Connor is worried for the same reason you are. This is a big day for the two of you. It’s not like you get a second chance at your two year anniversary!” She ends giggling a bit to herself.

Bobbing his head agreeably, “I guess that makes sense. I’ll talk to him at lunch. Thanks, you’re a real life saver.”

“Remember that the next time you’re mad at me!” She laughs.

Jude just rolls his eyes and turns his attention to the front of the room as class is about to begin.

 

Unlike his first class of the day, everything else seemed to fly by until before he knew it, it was lunch time. Jude took a deep breath and started looking for Connor. Usually Connor beats him to lunch and Jude doesn’t see him at any of the tables. Thinking this was perhaps just a coincidence he decides to grab a table and wait for Connor. Absentmindedly Jude began to eat his food and his mind drifted away from the current situation.

Reaching down to grab another bite Jude is surprised to see all of his food is gone and he now realizes Connor never showed up. Hastily glancing around, Jude decides to see if he can find Connor before lunch is over. Turning around to throw his trash away he runs straight into Connor.

Wide-eyed Jude just blurts out, “H-hey.”

“Hi.” Connor was equally nervous.

Jude studies Connor’s face and his mouth opens and closes before he says, “Where were you?”

“I uh-, I had some stuff to do.” Connor is rubbing the back of his neck and Jude wishes he would just talk to him.

“Oh, okay. Well, I just finished but I can sit with you while you eat.” Jude added hopefully.

“Nah, you go on ahead. I’ll be fine.”

Jude feels his heart sink but gives him a quick nod and brushes past him.

“Jude, wait.”

Turning back towards Connor, Jude raises an eyebrow.

“I just want to say, um…” Connor looks down at his feet and then up to meet Jude’s eyes. “Happy anniversary, Jude.”

Not thinking Jude replies, “Yeah.” Immediately knowing it was the wrong thing to say he kicks himself and shakes his head.

“No, Connor-” Forcing a smile Jude continues, “I mean, you too. No, I mean I want to wish you a happy-“

His face is now completely red and before he finishes Jude starts walking away.

Jude doesn’t think he has ever been that embarrassed. But he can’t shake the feeling something is really bothering Connor about their relationship. In the past it was always Connor who knew when Jude was having problems and he always handled it well. It’s strange for Jude to suddenly be in a position where he has to figure out what’s wrong with Connor. Jude decides it’s only fair that he be there for Connor so he steels himself and makes his way to the next class. Thanking his lucky stars Taylor was in this one, too. He needs a game plan and she always knows what to do.

 

Or at least she usually does.

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

A little perturbed Taylor shoots back, “I don’t know, Jude. I’m sorry. It sounds to me like all you need to do is talk.”

Jude buries his face in his hands. “I just told you how lunch went. That was the most awkward conversation of my life.”

“Yeah, so do it again. Maybe this time make sure you don’t walk away?”

Peeking through his fingers, “You’re saying this is my fault.”

Frustrated she shakes her head. “It’s no one’s fault. I’m just saying the talk might work out better if you actually stick around to, you know, talk.”

“That makes sense.”

“Of course it does. I swear the two of you are going to drive me crazy.”

Jude smirks at her. “Oh please, you don’t know what you’d do without us.”

“I really don’t.” She smiles and then purses her lips. “But remember, talk to him.”

Jude had class with Connor next and decided to see if he wanted to talk then.

 

Gripping his books tightly, Jude is standing just outside the door to his next class. Anyone walking past would think Jude was waiting for someone. In reality, he was too nervous to go in. A few minutes earlier he had watched Connor enter the room. Knowing he couldn’t stand there forever, Jude takes a deep breath and walks inside.

 

Jude finds Connor sitting in his usual spot immediately. Connor is staring intently at his notebook as he doodles but looks up when he feels someone’s eyes on him. Noticing that it’s Jude he breaks out into a wide grin and waves him over. Jude gives him a weak smile before closing the distance and taking the seat beside Connor.

 

Setting his books on the desk, Jude glances at Connor.

“Hey”

Connor studies Jude’s face. “Hi. Is everything okay?”

Jude wonders how Connor can be so normal now. _Wasn’t he just acting weird at lunch?_

“Yeah.” Jude furrows his brows. “Well, no. I was wondering if we could talk?”

Jude looks into Connor’s eyes and searches for the answer he doesn’t hear. Connor takes a moment to think before reaching and grabbing Jude’s hand. Intertwining their fingers, he turns to fully face Jude.

“Of course. But class is about to start.” After thinking on it, he adds. “Meet at the bench after school?”

“Sure.”

 

Yet another class where Jude was worried about what would happen after it was done. This time was different, though. He wasn’t sure if it was because Connor seemed okay now or that his hand was in Connor’s the entire time. As class went on, Connor kept stealing glances at Jude and smiling to himself. Jude would throw him a questioning look but he would only shake his head and squeeze Jude’s hand slightly.

 

They finally let go of each other’s hand when the final bell rang. Collecting his books, Jude feels more at ease than he had all day. He had only left a few seconds after Connor but Jude didn’t see him at his locker. Without paying attention Jude threw his homework into his backpack and winced when he heard a rip.

 

He had forgotten about Connor’s present. Carefully shifting the contents he looks at the gift. A small tear in the wrapping paper was the only damage done. Cursing himself, Jude crosses his fingers he will be able to re-wrap it. Zipping up his backpack, Jude begins to make his way outside of the school. Weaving through all of the students trying to get to their own lockers was a bigger challenge than he expected. When he finally he reached the doors, it was a few minutes later than he had hoped.

 

Connor was already at the bench. Jude couldn’t help but notice how peaceful he looked. Connor’s backpack was at his feet and his arms were spread over the back of the bench as he stared at the beach. Pulling on his backpack, Jude walks toward the bench and can’t help but smile at how happy Connor looks.

 

Taking a seat next to Connor, Jude leans on his shoulder. Connor shifts to allow Jude to be more comfortable and pulls him closer.

“Hey Jude.”

“Hey Connor.”

Then they don’t say anything for a while. Jude focuses on the way it feels to just be with Connor. The way he moves slightly when Connor breathes. The way Connor’s heart beats against his hand when Jude holds him close.

 

Connor looks down at Jude’s hand over his heart and places his on top.

“It’s yours, you know.”

Nuzzling against Connor, Jude murmurs, “What is?”

“My heart.”

Jude opens his mouth but doesn’t say anything. Shifting so he can look at Connor, Jude’s hand moves to Connor’s cheek. Connor responds by leaning into Jude’s hand and kissing his wrist.

“That’s why I was acting weird today. You’re important to me and I don’t want to screw things up.”

Jude laughs, “I’m not sure you can. Trust me.”

“I’m being serious Jude.” Connor sits up forcing Jude to move away from him. Casting a sideways glance at Jude, Connor reaches into his backpack and pulls out a black box.

“Jude, these have been two of the best years of my life.” Placing the box in Jude’s hands Connor continues, “Happy anniversary.”

 

Looking down at the box, Jude isn’t sure how to respond. Connor pushes the box closer to Jude.

“Aren’t you going to open it?”

Jude smiles slightly before gripping the box at its hinges and opening it. As his eyes fall on the object inside, Jude lets out an audible gasp.

“Connor, you really shouldn’t have.”

Picking up the item inside and carefully setting down the box, Jude’s eyes get big. A silver heart is resting in one hand and the other is holding on to Connor’s tightly.

“It’s beautiful.” Turning it over and admiring how it shines in the light, Jude is astonished. Jude knew this must have been an expensive gift but also knew better than to bring it up. He did however begin to feel self-conscious about his own gift.

 

Looking at the heart closer, he notices a small line runs through the middle of it and then curving up to the top. Connor notices Jude running his fingers over the line and begins to explain softly.

 

“It’s supposed to represent our two hearts becoming one. I wanted to get you something that told you how I truly felt.” Connor is rubbing his thumb in circles on the back of Jude’s hand. “My heart is yours Jude. Now and forever.”

Jude listens as he takes in everything the heart has to offer. The way the chain it hangs from seems to be made of the same silver, to how it seems lighter than it should be.

“And you know-“ Connor reaches for the heart but is cut off by Jude.

“I love it.” Jude pulls on Connor’s hand and they both lean in.

Resting his forehead on Jude’s, Connor sighs. “I love you.” Connor closes the distance and they get lost in the kiss.

 

Jude’s head is swimming as he kisses Connor. Connor had said I love you. They both knew they cared about each other but neither had said it yet. Jude knew how he felt but wasn’t sure if he was ready to say it yet. Happy for the distraction that was Connor’s lips.

Leaning back, Connor waits for Jude to say something but isn’t bothered when he doesn’t.

“It’s okay, Jude. I know we agreed not to do anything until this weekend so I don’t expect anything.”

Jude chuckles at Connor’s assurance. “You don’t think I know you at all? I think I deserve a little more credit.”

 

Connor raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“I kinda guessed you would try to one-up me by-“

“I didn’t do it to one-up you.” Connor cuts in.

“Fine. That you would surprise me early with a present.

“Better.” Connor smirks.

Jude now reaches into his backpack and pulls out the wrapped box.

“So, I brought your present to school. Just in case.”

“Happy anniversary, Connor.”

Connor takes the box from Jude and makes a face at the ripped corner of wrapping paper.

“Okay, maybe my backpack wasn’t the safest place for it.”

Connor just smiles and uses that corner to remove the rest of the wrapping paper and reveal a white box. Unlike Jude who took his time, Connor excitedly took the top off and reached into the box. He pulls out a small metal anchor and then looks from it to Jude expecting an explanation.

“It’s an anchor. Well, you can see that. It’s not made of anything cool like silver, just iron.” Jude starts rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “But there’s a spot at the top if you wanted to wear it like a necklace! I guess I didn’t think to get you a chain. And- and-“ Jude stammers but Connor takes his hand and stops him.

“It’s really cool, I like it.”Connor tries to comfort Jude.

All Jude hear is the word ‘like’. Once again his present fell short and he looks like a bad boyfriend. A little agitated Connor had cut him off, Jude calms himself down and presses on with his explanation.

“I got it engraved. If you look at the bottom you’ll see it.”

Turning it over, Connor reads the inscription. “Connor Stevens, my anchor”

Looking back up at Jude, Connor starts to smile. “Are you saying I make you sink?”

“No, that’s not what it means.” Jude lets out an exasperated sigh. “It’s stupid. But as you know, I’ve moved around a lot. Never really staying in one place for long makes it hard to get attached to anything and you’re always lost. What I’m trying to say is, when I’m with you, I don’t feel lost.”

 

Jude looks down at his hands. “With you, I feel like I belong.” Finding his courage, Jude repeats the words carved into the anchor. “Connor Stevens, my anchor.”

Understanding washes over Connor’s face. “That doesn’t sound stupid. It makes me feel special.”

“You are special.”

“Jude, your present is amazing.” Connor uses the hand still holding Jude’s to pull him closer. “I love it.”

This time Jude presses his lips against Connor’s and pulls back just enough to whisper, “I love you.”

Jude can feel Connor smiling against his lips.

 

Connor wraps himself around Jude and they settle into the bench. Agreeing to start walking home before it gets dark. They could see the ocean and were content to just watch it and hold each other.

 

After a while, Jude begins to play with Connor’s hand. Tracing shapes into his palm and running his thumb over the back of his hand. Jude started doing it absentmindedly but now had something on his mind.

“Connor?”

Connor hummed to let Jude know he was listening.

“Do you think we’ll be together forever?”

Taken aback by the question, Connor shifts slightly on the bench and takes his time before answering.

“I don’t know.”

This wasn’t the answer Jude was hoping for and he tries to make him give. Even just a little.

“I hope so.”

Connor doesn’t want Jude to get worked up about this so he tries to comfort him.

“Yeah?”

Jude states plainly, “Yeah.”

“Well, you know what I do know?”

“What?”

Placing a soft kiss on the top of Jude’s head. “That I love you.”

Jude is content with that and presses himself closer to Connor.

“I love you, too.”

 

* * *

 

 

Turning the heart over in his hand, Jude can’t help but have mixed emotions about it. But he didn’t open the drawer to reminisce about the past so he sets the heart down on the desk. He reaches down and collects the rest of the items in the drawer.

 

Carefully looking at each item Jude comes to the same conclusion he had walking back with Taylor. He didn’t have the letter. Letting out a sigh, he slumps into his desk chair. One hand running through his hair and the other absentmindedly playing with the heart, he tries to figure out how he feels. It can’t really be described as sadness and it definitely isn’t happiness. Whatever it is, it can’t be good.

 

Cursing Taylor for bringing up old feelings, he shoves the heart back in the drawer and slides it shut. Jude tries to take his mind off things by getting started on his homework. Laying out his notebook on the desk and taking out a pencil, he concentrates on the problems assigned.

 

He ended up only getting through the first two before giving up. _Why am I even thinking about this anymore?_ Dropping the pencil he begins to massage his temples. Taking out his phone he types a quick message to Taylor.

 

**I know I said I wanted to be alone, but can you come over?**

It didn’t take long for her to reply.

**I’ll be right there. Everything okay?**

His original intentions were to tell her how he felt but now maybe all he needed was some company. Tapping out an answer to her question, he sets the phone down on his desk.

**Yeah. Just need to talk.**

 

She only lived twenty minutes away so Jude didn’t have long to wait. But as he sat in his room counting down the minutes to her arrival the feeling he couldn’t quite describe was coming into focus.

 

_Do I still have feelings for Connor?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I want to apologize for taking so long to get this out. Life got super busy but you don't need to know about that. I have the rest of the fic planned at this point which should make writing easier. I hope to have another chapter out by the end of this week or maybe two. This chapter was double the length of the previous two and that may or may not be a continuing trend. If anyone wants to know, I can give you a rough estimate of how many parts this will end up being.
> 
> Again, this is my first ever fanfiction so I appreciate any and all feedback! I hope you're enjoying it. You can find me on tumblr at jonnor-now if you want to interact with me there.


	4. The Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Jude and Connor realize their future isn't going to be so simple. Jude has never been more uncertain about what he wants. And Connor? Connor has to try really hard just to make it through one day. Maybe all they need is a plan.

Jude hadn’t moved for the last ten minutes. Completely motionless and staring at the wall. To say he was lost in thought would be an understatement. In the back of his mind he knew Taylor would be arriving any minute but he just couldn’t pull himself back to the present. Connor Stevens was on his mind. A wave of emotions was running through him and he was trying to sort them all out. He knew he liked Connor but did he still _like_ him. There once was a time when he thought Connor was it, the only person he would love for the rest of his life. When he looked to the future all he saw was uncertainty and _him_. But so much had changed since then. Connor had moved on and Jude thought he had moved on long ago, too. Now he isn’t so sure.

_Do I still have feelings for him?_

Jude couldn’t will himself to think about anything else but this question. And how he didn’t have an answer for it. In his mind, hours had passed but it was really only a few minutes.

“Jude?”

Jude blinks and looks in the direction of the voice. Taylor is standing in the doorway and her face quickly shifts from concerned to gravely worried.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

She moves to sit on Jude’s bed and he makes a face like he’s about to answer. Letting out a long sigh, Jude turns towards Taylor and begins to explain.

“I’m not sure anything is wrong, exactly. I wasn’t sure if the letter was actually gone, so I ended up going through all of the stuff from Connor I still have.  I guess, it kind of brought some old feelings to the surface.” Jude’s mouth hangs open momentarily before he finishes, “And now I’m not so sure I left those feelings behind me.”

Taylor slowly nods and folds her legs underneath herself to get more comfortable on the bed.

“Okay.”

Jude is stunned, “Okay?”

“What?” Taylor raises an eyebrow.

“I don’t know, I thought you’d be more, well, surprised. Or at least have some advice.”

She smirks, “You want me to be surprised you might have feelings for the guy you dated for almost three years?” Giving him a sympathetic look, she continues, “But you need to be careful. Don’t make any hasty moves until you’re absolutely sure of how you feel.”

“Honestly, I don’t know even know if I would do anything about it.”

Taylor prods, “What do you mean?”

“Connor and I broke up for a reason. That reason hasn’t changed over the years. I wouldn’t want to put us in a position where we both end up just getting hurt again.” The pain is evident in Jude’s eyes.

“You’re being too rough on yourself.” Taylor assures him, “Besides, I think you might be surprised how much has changed since then

Jude eyes her suspiciously, “What makes you say that?”

Taylor leans forward and grabs Jude’s hand, “Listen, I don’t know how Connor feels. Really, I don’t. But if you stop yourself from taking chances because you might get hurt then what’s the point?” Taylor searches Jude’s face to see if she’s getting through to him, “I’m not saying to go for it with Connor. I’m just saying, don’t let fear get in the way of your happiness.”

Squeezing her hand, Jude gives Taylor a small smile.

“Thanks, this means a lot.”

Taylor returns the smile, “No problem.”

Jude tugs slightly on Taylor’s hand and she lets go. While his hand just dropped, her hand momentarily rests on her knee before her fingers start tapping nervously.

“Did you find the letter?”

Now it was Jude’s turn to search Taylor’s face, to figure out why she kept asking about the letter.

“No. Why?”

Taylor’s eyes widen for a second before she feels herself relax and lets out a long breath.

“No, reason. Just curious.”

She waited to see if he would press her further, when he didn’t she grabbed his pillow and threw it behind her. Leaning against the wall, she wiggles a few times to get comfortable.

“Alright, you invited me over to talk through your feelings. So, start talking.”

Jude and Taylor ended up talking for hours and he explained everything to her. Going through the contents of the drawer and taking breaks when he needed to. Through it all, she listened patiently and didn’t really talk unless he asked her a question. Taylor was very perceptive when it came to people and she knew all Jude really needed was someone to listen as he worked his way through his muddled feelings.

 

**\-----**

 

Connor had been waiting for the text from Taylor for hours. She said she would talk to Jude after school and then let him know if he still had the letter. He had gone over multiple scenarios in his head on what could have happened to keep her from texting him, each one more ridiculous than the next. He knew there had to be a rational reason for her not following through but he just couldn’t take it anymore.

 

Abruptly ending his pacing he rushes to his bed and grabs his phone from its charger. Flopping down on the bed with a soft _thud,_ he begins to type out a message to Taylor.

 

**What’s the deal? Did you talk to him??**

Grabbing his headphones, Connor settles to wait for a reply but he had only gotten enough time to lay back down before his phone went off. In his rush to read the message, he fumbled to pick up the phone and it ended up dropping to the floor. Almost immediately his dad calls from downstairs.

“Everything okay up there?”

Connor leans over the bed and scoops up the phone before shouting back, “Yeah, everything’s fine!”

With steady hands, Connor unlocks the phone and sees Taylor’s reply.

**Can we meet before school tomorrow?**

That is definitely not the answer he wanted to get.

 

The next morning couldn’t come fast enough for Connor.  He had barely slept and rushed out of the house to get to school early; hoping to beat Taylor there. Looking at his phone, Connor sees he has 20 minutes before school starts. Going over the extremely short conversation from last night, he confirms that Taylor is going to meet him at his locker.

 

The school is pretty empty at this point, only a few students are making their way inside. This makes the walk to his locker stress free and quick. A couple of teachers walk by Connor and he eyes their coffees. Caffeine is definitely on his to-do list today but right now he has more important things to take care of. Shaking his head to wake himself up, Connor rubs the last bit of sleep from his eyes. One more turn and he would be at his locker.

 

_Oh no._

Rounding the corner, he closed the remaining distance to his locker. Only one problem, Taylor is already waiting for him. It was a running joke that Taylor was never early, if anything she was always fashionably late. This is definitely not a good sign. Bracing himself, Connor stops in front of his locker. Doing his very best to avoid looking her in the eye, he waits for her to speak first.

 

Several uncomfortable seconds pass and they both remain silent.

 

Taylor’s hands are shaking and several times she opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Trying her best to send a sympathetic look toward Connor but he still refuses to make eye contact. Not willing to suffer any longer, Taylor breaks the silence between them.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

And just like that, Connor slumps forward against his locker. The back of his head making a metallic _thud_ as it hits the locker door. Carelessly dropping his backpack to the ground, Connor lets out a shaky breath.

 

“How could I have been so stupid?”

 

Connor slowly slides to the ground and buries his face in his hands.

 

“You’re not stupid.” Taylor takes a seat next to him, and squeezes his shoulder. “Okay?”

 

He replies through his hands, muffling his words, “I am stupid. How could I have let myself believe he would have kept the letter?”

 

“How could you have possibly known he wouldn’t?”

 

Raising his head to look at her, Taylor is surprised to see he’s crying. The tears were streaming down his face and disappearing into his jacket. He was struggling to keep his eyes open and they were already starting to look red and puffy. Immediately she knew that he had been crying recently.

 

“Because he hates me. He’s only pretending to be my friend to be nice.” Shaking his head, he lets out a few quick breaths. “God, how I could be such an idiot.”

 

Taylor notices he’s about to go back to crying so she grabs both of his hands to stop him. Connor glances up at her, and she almost likes the flash of fear she sees.

 

“Okay, listen to me Stevens.” He starts to look down but she just pulls on his hands. “Hey! He doesn’t hate you. Do you get it yet? He. Does. Not. Hate. You.” The last five words were punctuated by Taylor picking up his hands and hitting them against his legs at each word.

 

Letting out shaky laugh in between sobs, he smiles meekly. “All right. He doesn’t hate me but he also doesn’t like me.”

 

She opens her mouth but Connor cuts her off. “He doesn’t like me like _that_.”

 

Silence settles between the two friends. Connor continues to cry quietly as Taylor rubs soothing circles into his back. He appreciates the gesture but it does little to make him feel better. In fact, he’s a little surprised she hadn’t offered any more words of comfort. Maybe the truth would only make things worse at this point.

 

Taylor could only stand so much of his wallowing. “Are you done yet?”

 

Connor sniffles and looks taken aback, “What?”

 

Pursing her lips, “You’re being a little unreasonable right now. Yes, you know how Jude used to feel about you when you were dating. Then you knew how he felt when you two broke up.” Connor winces at that and she pauses to be delicate. “But you have no idea how he feels now.”

 

He just rolls his eyes. “Of course I know how he feels now. He just wants to be friends.”

 

“And you know that how?”

 

“I-I, well…, I mean it’s obvious. Isn’t it?” Connor stammers. “R-right?”

 

Taylor takes her eyes off Connor to look forward for a moment. It only takes a few seconds but she makes up her mind with a dull _thud_ as she drops her head against locker behind them, slowly sliding it onto his shoulder.

 

“Promise you won’t tell Jude I told you this?”

 

Connor tries to get a good look at her face but found it to be challenging in their current position.

 

“I guess so, yeah.”

 

Letting out a deep breath, she starts slowly, “Well, I asked Jude about the letter on the walk back to his house and that’s when he told me he didn’t have it.”

 

“You already said that.”

 

“Jeez, Stevens can you not interrupt for once in your life?” Sighing she continues, “So he told me he didn’t have the letter.  And after our little talk he didn’t feel like hanging out anymore. Made him sad or something.” Connor didn’t think it was possible for his heart to feel any heavier but he was wrong.

 

“A few hours later he texts me and tells me to come over.  Apparently, he wasn’t actually sure if the letter was gone or not.” She feels him tense up. “Relax, he still doesn’t have it. But he did tell me that he keeps everything from your time together in a drawer in his room. Looking for the letter made him want to talk about things.”

 

She pauses for a few too many beats and Connor can feel himself getting anxious.

 

“Just tell me what he kept. Or didn’t. I can take it.” He steels himself for what’s coming next.

 

“Not a lot, really. Some notes and drawings, a few movie theatre tickets, and this weird little skateboard.” Connor couldn’t help but smile at that.

 

_He kept it. I can’t believe he still has it._

 

Resting his head on hers, which is still on his shoulder, he murmurs softly, “Thanks, Taylor. That did make me feel better.”

 

Her hand glides down his forearm and found his before holding on to it tightly, giving it a gentle squeeze.

 

“He also kept a silver heart.”

 

For the third time this morning they didn’t say anything to each other and let silence do all the talking. Each not speaking for a different reason. Taylor is waiting to see how he would react to the news, not being unnerved at all by his current response. Connor, on the other hand, is still trying to wrap his head around the new information.

 

_This has to be a dream._

 

In stark contrast to a few minutes ago, his heart is soaring higher than it felt like it ever had. Somehow Jude had given him the one thing he didn’t think possible. Hope. Perhaps there was still a chance the two of them could find their way back to each other. He almost felt like laughing he’s so overwhelmed with joy. Then, like it always did, the darkness started to creep back into his mind. False hope is worse than no hope.

 

_How could he love me again?_

 

If he’s going to be with Jude again then he would have to have a plan. One that would have to be executed perfectly if it had any chance of working. His mind felt like it was moving at a million miles an hour trying to keep up with his heart and his goals. Suddenly everything came to a halt. He would need help.

 

“Taylor?”

 

She had been lulled into a trance like state waiting for him to say something. Snapping out of it, several moments passed for her to process what he said. Once she did, the triviality of it seemed strange. Dropping a potential bomb shell like that and all she got is her name in a slightly questioning tone? If this had been any other circumstance she would be tempted to get a little mad or throw a sarcastic insult his way. Instead, she takes a deep breath, swallows her pride and lifts her head to look him in the eyes.

 

“Yeah?”

 

Given a thousand guesses she would never had expected what happened next. Upon reflection, it actually made her a little bit proud. Maybe the young boy she had met so many years ago had learned something from her after all.

 

Connor continues to smirk at Taylor and raises in eyebrow at her disbelief.

 

“Think you would want to help me devise an ingenious plan to win back the love of my life?” His smirk had grown into a full blown smile by now.

 

Shaking her head, she laughs a bit too loud. “I thought you’d never ask.”

 

Throwing his head back and chuckling, his eyes shining.

 

“First meeting of the evil masterminds at my place after school today?”

 

“Definitely.” Taylor gives a short nod and rests her head against his shoulder again.

 

They just sit there together smiling like a couple of idiots. If any students had been there, a few strange glances would have been thrown their way. But it was just the two of them enjoying a small moment before the rest of the day, which is sure to be stressful.

 

Connor closes his eyes and tries his best to only focus on the best outcome. He could almost feel the way Jude would press against his chest and keep one hand over his heart and the other intertwined in his own. The smell of his shampoo and something that was just Jude teased his senses like an almost forgotten memory. How he longed to be back in those comforting arms as they wrapped around his waist and pulled him into a tight embrace. This felt so real, it was cruel. Opening one eye, he sees that Taylor had slipped her arms around him and that was the embrace he’s feeling. Maybe this wasn’t as good as Jude’s hugs, but it made him feel warm inside. That definitely counted for something. Wrapping his right arm around her shoulders he pulls her closer, trying to let her know how much this means to him.

 

“Connor, you’re amazing. You know that, right?” He hums softly. “No matter what happens, don’t forget that.”

 

Kissing the top of her head, he speaks softly, “Well, I think you’re pretty incredible. I’m lucky to call you my friend.”

 

That is all that needed to be said. They were both so grateful that words couldn’t really convey the full scope of how they felt. Sharing a final quiet second together, Taylor unwraps herself from Connor and pulls herself up before turning around and holding out a hand for him.

 

“Come on, lover boy. We have to get to class soon.”

 

 

Connor has first period with Jude. His presence makes it hard to concentrate on whatever the teacher is trying to say. Today would have been doubly hard considering the morning he had. Thankfully, today they were just studying for an upcoming exam, meaning no lecture. This didn’t mean he’s actually focusing on the materials in front of him, choosing instead to look at Jude.

 

The way his eyebrows furrow as he concentrates or the way he sticks his tongue out a little bit. It all just made him even cuter and Connor still couldn’t wrap his head around it. The brunette had an inexplicable grip over him and he had no intentions of fighting it. Still, he couldn’t help but wonder if Jude had any feelings for him now.

 

Chuckling quietly to himself, he notices that Jude must have been in a rush this morning. His normally well-styled hair is currently splayed messily across his forehead. What he would give to be the one to brush it aside to look into those eyes, surely still showing signs of sleep. In attempt to look at least semi-busy, he picks up his pencil and absentmindedly writes down a few answers in the study guide.

 

Pleased with himself, he continues his favorite first period hobby. Jude had moved on from reading and is now furiously scribbling the answers. God help who ever would have to decipher his handwriting; it was anything but elegant. He could still remember the trouble he had reading the notes they passed to each other in class. They always found a way to laugh about it later but at the time it would frustrate him to no end. Of course, Jude found it absolutely hilarious. He even got in trouble a few times for laughing too loudly during class while watching Connor make the most ridiculous faces. Now that was the part that amused Connor.

 

It’s hard for him to remember the times when everything was going so well because eventually his mind would catch up with him. Reminding him of how it all went south so quickly; he never really saw it coming. Maybe if he had, everything could have ended differently. Rubbing his eyes, the early morning catching up to him. Frowning, he makes a mental note to grab some coffee before his next class. When he refocuses on Jude, he’s slightly surprised to see him staring back at him with an incredulous look. It really shouldn’t be that surprising, they were sitting across from each other.

 

“Can I help you with something?”

 

The blonde haired boy can feel his cheeks getting red. “No, uh, why would you think that?”

 

Giggling, he breaks into a smile. “Cause you’ve been staring at me all period.”

 

_God, that laugh. I could listen to it forever._

Shaking his head and trying his best to form a small smile, “It’s nothing, I’m sorry.”

 

Jude’s smile falters and his mood relaxes, “You know, we are friends.”

 

_Just friends._

“Yeah, I know.”

 

Jude leans forward slightly; Connor notices the bags under his eyes.

 

“So, if there’s something on your mind. We can talk about it. I hope things aren’t still weird between us.”

 

Connor sees Jude shrink almost instantly before him, his insecurities fully on display. Something he always appreciated about their friendship, sharing was always easy. Smiling warmly, Connor lets out a breathy laugh.

 

“No, we’re good. It’s really nothing, trust me.”

 

Jude doesn’t seem to be entirely convinced but relents, “If you say so. But you’ll come talk to me if it turns into something?”

 

_You’ll be the first to know._

“Of course.”

 

A quick nod, more of a slight jerk, and Jude returns to his studying. Connor takes one last glance at the boy in front of him before returning to his work for the rest of the period. Going over the exchange in his head over and over, he concluded that it was a positive one. He really wants to be friends and that’s a good start.

 

The rest of the morning was a breeze. A much needed coffee was found and the desired effect immediate. Connor’s good mood continued to soar and it felt like nothing could bring him down. At this point, he should know better than to be that optimistic but he didn’t care. Maybe, just maybe he could win _him_ back. The thought made him want to break into song. He wouldn’t of course, really wouldn’t reflect well on him.

 

Making his way to their usual table, he found Taylor and Jude were already there. Setting down his lunch, Taylor glances at him and they share a look. She seems to approve of his lighter mood. Secretly, she’s hoping his mood won’t be affected by her current conversation with Jude. Who barely manages to look over at Connor before continuing to talk to Taylor.

 

“Hey Connor. So, as I was saying. I’m kind of nervous about tonight. I mean, it’s obviously not my first time but I just want it go well. Maybe I’m being stupid.”

 

Taylor throws some of her peas at Jude. “You’re not being stupid, idiot. Being nervous is completely normal. Might be the only normal thing about you.”

 

The brunette laughs before throwing some of his peas back at her. “Hey!”

 

Connor can’t help the small grin forming on his lips, “Come on, let’s not start a food fight.” Raising one eyebrow. “Again.”

 

“Golden boy is right.” Taylor quips, “Give up now, Foster.”

 

“I do not retreat!” Breaking into a toothy smirk. “But I will agree to finish this battle in a more… appropriate location.”

 

She pretends to consider it before sticking her tongue out, “I agree to your terms.”

 

“Now, that the war is over.” Connor is shaking his head. ”What’s got you so nervous?”

 

Strangely, Jude blushes a little bit. “My date with Daniel.”  Connor can feel his heart sinking.

 

“Oh. Well, he’d be a fool to not think you’re the best.” He’s trying to be reassuring and thinks it’s working until Taylor throws him a stern look.

 

“Um, thanks. Might not mention that, though.” Jude quickly looks down and Connor laughs nervously.

 

Trying to get a hold of himself, Jude points his fork at Taylor. “Want to come over tonight and help me get ready? I know you get off on that kind of thing.”

 

She pretends to give him a disgusted and insulted look before sobering up, “Sorry, I already have plans.”

 

He eyes her doubtfully, “Oh, really?”

 

“You think I can’t have plans?”

 

“I think you have a date.”

 

“Well, I am meeting a rather special boy but I’m pretty sure it’s not a date.” She smirks playfully.

 

“What makes you say that?”

 

Leaning back and crossing her arms, she holds in a laugh, “Let’s just say we have a conflict of interest.”

 

It’s extremely obvious Jude doesn’t want to let it go but knows better than to push Taylor when she’s being intentionally vague. Not a mistake you make more than once and both the boys only made it once. The results were not pretty.

 

The back and forth made Connor shift uncomfortably in his seat and he thanks his lucky stars no one noticed and that Taylor was able to deflect Jude’s interrogation. It did not, however, make him worry any less about Jude’s date with Daniel. He never considered Jude falling in love with someone else in his somewhat half-baked plan.

 

_What if the date goes well?_

 

Even though they were getting together right after school, he needed to bring it up to Taylor as soon as possible. This day was doing a number on his poor emotions, switching between hot and cold at breakneck speeds. The faster this complication is sorted out, the faster his nerves could be given a chance to rest.

 

The rest of lunch consisted of pleasant small talk and he even got into a heated discussion with Jude about a new video game coming out. Reminded him of their early days but he stopped himself before he got too caught up in nostalgia.

 

**\-------**

 

Connor is already planning to corner Taylor in one of their afternoon classes. This meant he would have to distract himself for an entire period. The obvious choice is to just focus on the actual class. Who was he kidding, there was no way academics could compete with the addicting Jude Adams-Foster.

 

Times like this he was grateful for taking so many elective art classes. While he isn’t an amazing artist, he could admit that he’s decent. Opening up his notebook and flipping to the back where he keeps all of his drawings he put his pencil to the paper. Inspiration is never a challenge for him; it helps that he’s not too picky. Jude comes up a lot but decides that probably wouldn’t be a great idea today.

 

It started out with a few small dots in the corner, appearing at random. Two larger orbs found themselves halfway up the page. The light source is off the paper, coming from the right side. Slowly, but surely, the piece starts to stitch itself together. Constellations clustering together like their atoms were meant to be near each other. Gravity had a mind of its own, pushing and pulling the galaxies.

 

Connor finds himself completely lost as he continues to draw. The vast openness of space never scared him just gave a defined purpose to his life. It was almost an impossibility that an infinitesimal chain of events had led to this moment.  _To him._ Falling deeper into the sky developing before his eyes.

 

Then suddenly there’s a spark, weaving and arcing through constellations and planets. Almost making a complete loop before streaking off the page. A shooting star, he decides. It was there and then it was gone. Beautiful and bringing light to everything around it. The cruelty of life meant it was only passing by.

 

_That’s not our story._

 

Filling in the twin planets at the center of the drawing is the final touch before he sets his pencil down. Admiring his work, it’s kind of amazing to look at. Complex yet simple. A few beats later, recognition begins at his gut and works its way up. The smile on his face falters, if only for a moment. To anyone else the drawing would be nothing more than some stars and planets. Pretty yet unremarkable. Not to Connor. Somehow his subconscious found its way into the piece. All the constellations, planets, and shooting stars came together to represent the one thing it was meant to distract him from.

 

The shooting star outlined his face and the two planets were the deep eyes. Clusters of stars forming a small smirk. It is unmistakably Jude to him. Somehow he’s okay with that. The bell rings loudly, giving him a final second to look at it before closing the notebook and slipping it into his backpack.

 

_Taylor._

Rushing to his next class he almost knocks several people over, apologizing profusely but refusing to stop or slow down. Panting lightly, he slumps into his seat and begins to wait. Very impatiently. His foot keeping beat to the fastest song in existence and his fingers tapping along to it.

 

She strolls into the room a few minutes later, not a sign of worry on her face. Until she sees Connor, that is. His eyes snap to her and hits the desk a little too hard in his excitement. Everyone stares in his direction until they find the source of the _bang_ too boring.

 

Taylor slides into the seat in front of Connor and turns around.

 

“Calm down. You look like you’re going to explode. I thought you were okay?”

 

Connor nods furiously but slows down at her glare.

 

“I am okay.” He starts carefully, “I’m just worried about Jude’s date tonight. What if it goes well?”

 

She gives a sympathetic shrug, “I’ve heard he’s a pretty nice guy.”

 

Not what he wanted to hear, his head dropping with a swift _thump_ onto his desk.

 

A sharp pain on his forehead makes him look up in time to see wide eyes, staring at him expectantly.

 

_Did she just flick me in the head?_

“What?” He grumbles, rubbing his head.

 

“Stop being so dramatic. Daniel _is_ nice but he’s not right for Jude. Trust me, whatever happens between them won’t last.”

 

“Is that what you said about us?”

 

Connor didn’t think she could look any more insulted. No hint of sarcasm this time either.

 

“Look, you know me better than almost anyone. Really want to ask that question?”

 

He opens his mouth to answer but thinks better of it. Choosing to shake his head instead.

 

“Good.”

 

At that she turns around in her seat, done with the conversation. Honestly, he could have used a few more words of comfort. Seems like a strange request to make so Connor leans back in his chair. A certain boy is on his mind. No, not Jude. Daniel.

 

_Who the hell does this Daniel kid think he is?_

A small part of him knows how irrational this anger is but the much larger part, the one in control, just wants to punch him. Connor’s hands are balled into fists and he’s fuming in his desk. Taylor only needs to glance behind her once to know something bad is coming.

 

_C’mon, keep your cool kid. Don’t blow your chance with Jude by being a dick._

 

Halfway through the class the teacher makes the mistake of calling on Connor in his current state. Earning her a sharp “What?” followed by a signature Stevens’ glare. This, of course, earns him a detention after school today. Today could not be ending any worse. Now he would have to wait even longer to meet up with Taylor.

 

When the bell rings Taylor tries to grab Connor and talk some sense into him but he storms out of the room before she has a chance. His mood worsening all period, he makes a beeline to his locker and stuffs his books inside of it. Slamming it shut he turns to see Daniel at the other end of the hallway. Laughing with a few of his friends, not a care in the world. Connor’s eyes darken at the sight.

 

_Stop smiling, you smug little punk._

A grim smirk on his face, Connor sets off towards Daniel. He gets closer and closer, the rage building up. The students seem to take no notice of him as he gets ready to take all of his anger out on Daniel. Now, he’s almost right on top of him. This is it.

 

“Connor!”

 

A yell from behind distracts him just long enough for him to find where it came from. The answer should have been obvious, Taylor is wide-eyed and a little relieved that her last minute intervention seemed to have worked. She should have known Connor was more determined than that. Turning back towards Daniel, he squares his shoulder and it all happened so quickly, no one notices Connor slam into him.

 

Daniel is on the ground looking up in fear as Connor towers above him. Taylor rushes to his side and looks down and her mouth just hangs open.

 

“I-He’s so sorry. That’s Connor for you, super clumsy! I hope you’re okay?” She recovers quickly and elbows Connor.

 

“Yeah. Accident. You okay?” He says it too flatly but offers Daniel his hand anyway.

 

Somewhat reluctantly, and who could blame him, Daniel grasps the extended hand and pulls himself up.

 

“I’m fine. Might have a nasty bruise, though.” Clearly still shaken, he just laughs nervously. “We’ll both have to watch where going better next time, eh?”

 

Connor waits too long to reply, “Mmm? Yeah, won’t happen again. Sorry.”

 

The exchange over, he keeps walking down the hallway. Taylor throws a final apologetic look towards Daniel before following Connor.

 

He only made it around the corner before collapsing against the wall.

 

_Oh god, what have I done?_

Recovering from his rage-induced fit, the guilt hits him like a truck. Coming in waves, beating him down with fresh guilt every few seconds. This is not who he is. He doesn’t do this kind of stuff. Maybe Jude is better off with someone else. Someone who wouldn’t do this.

 

_No._

He’s not doing this again. For too long he felt like he wasn’t good enough. No. He will not be going down that path again. One mistake doesn’t mean that you’re a terrible person. Everyone messes up. He should go find Daniel and apologize. Really apologize this time.

 

Taylor turns the corner to see Connor slumped against the wall and is winding up to give him a piece of her mind.

 

“Save it, Taylor.” Simply holding a hand up to cut her off.

 

“Think you’re going to get off that easy?” She’s being short and he knows that he deserves it.

 

“Whatever you’re planning on saying, trust me I already know. I’m being an idiot and I need to make this right. I won’t win Jude back by making an ass out of myself. Oh, and I’m totally acting like a crazy person. Did I leave anything out?”

 

He looks up at her all she thinks is how he can dare to wear a devilish grin like that right now.

 

Nodding her head a few times, “No, that pretty much covers it. See you later tonight. After detention.”

 

The way she says detention makes it seem like the punishment is wholly deserved, which he can’t argue.

 

“Taylor?”

 

Taylor narrows her eyes at him before they soften, “Connor?”

 

“Thanks” It’s almost a whisper, “For what you did back there.”

 

“Just promise me you’ll do better.”

 

He tries his best to give her a convincing smile but she just snorts and walk away.

 

_Now to go find Daniel and apologize._

 

How far could he have gotten in the last few minutes? Checking the hallway he came from, Connor finds it deserted. His best bet is to head in that direction and hope he stopped to talk to someone. Scanning the classrooms as he walks, there’s no sign of him anywhere. Moving into an adjacent hallway a group of students is blocking his view of the other end.

 

Grumbling to himself, he manages to force his way through the throng of underclassmen. At the entrance, Daniel and Jude were walking together. Jealousy begins to bubble up but he pushes it back down and attempts to follow the pair.

 

Once outside, he has just enough time to see Daniel hug Jude goodbye and head towards the parking lot. Connor starts jogging towards the parking lot but ends up only going a few steps before he’s interrupted.

 

“Hey!” Jude is smiling brightly, albeit with a slightly confused look on his face. “Where are you going?”

 

“Oh, um… I was going to go talk to Daniel.” Connor sheepishly answers.

 

“Why?”

 

The words feel wrong as they leave his mouth, “To give him a few tips on dating Jude Adams-Foster.”

 

He meant it as a joke but Jude is visibly hurt. The brunette’s eyebrows furrow as he tries in vain to say something.

 

Connor clarifies quickly, “It’s a joke.”

 

“Sure. I, uh, I have to get going. I’ll see you later.” Jude is doing his best to leave as fast as he can.

 

“No, I get it. Good luck tonight and don’t be too nervous. He’s the lucky one!” Flashing a smile, Connor glances towards the parking lot.

 

_Maybe I can still catch him._

Now Jude looks outright puzzled, “Whatever you say.”

 

Connor throws him a half-hearted nod and starts to inch away.

 

_I have to be quick now._

“Bye, Jude. Don’t worry, have fun.” Then he’s off towards the parked cars.

 

All of the students were attempting to leave at once, which meant the steady stream of cars wasn’t moving as fast as they could be. This is good news for Connor, better chance Daniel hadn’t left yet. The only problem is he had no idea what kind of car he drove. Or if he drove a car, really. Daniel might have just been walking in this direction. He doesn’t know a lot about him, to be perfectly honest. A little reconnaissance couldn’t hurt, he made a mental note to find out more about Daniel. Scanning the students as they left is a much harder task than he originally thought.

 

Unfortunately, Connor is only able to resume his search for a few precious seconds.

 

“Connor!”

 

_What is it with people yelling my name today?_

 

Half expecting to see Taylor, it came as quite a shock to find Lena barreling towards him.

 

“Want to tell me what you’re doing?”

 

The question throws him off. He has no idea why she would be mad at him.

 

“Heading home. Is there a problem Mrs. Adams-Foster?”

 

The sadness in her eyes is apparent. “You can call me Lena.”

 

He used to call her Lena, even before Jude became his boyfriend. Something about the familiarity reminded him of his relationship. Distancing himself from Lena had been hard, on both of them, but it ultimately made him feel a bit better. That didn’t stop the pang of guilt he got when she looks at him like that.

 

When Connor didn’t respond, and she hadn’t really expected him to, she presses on.

 

“Don’t you have detention?”

 

_Crap._

“Yeah, yeah I do.” He answers dejectedly.

 

She looks concerned, which he really should have seen coming, and he hates lying to her.

 

“Is everything okay, Connor? It’s not like you to get detention.”

 

Connor stares blankly at Lena. He desperately wants to tell her the truth. Ask for advice like he used to. In his head, that scenario is already playing out. They’d go back to her office to talk and she’d listen. At some point he might start crying, which wouldn’t be the first time he’s done that in front of her. Then Lena would give him that look that makes everything better. The ‘I love you’ look. He used to get it all the time.

 

God, how he wanted that to happen again.

 

_Maybe, if I just-_

_It can’t hurt…_

Connor’s resolve is slowly breaking and he’s so close to just rushing into her arms. Feel the warm embrace that would follow soon after. Just the thought filled his heart with longing.

 

_Things have changed._

It was different now and he couldn’t keep denying it.

 

“Yeah, everything is fine. Sorry to bother you.” He forces an awkward smile.

 

Lena doesn’t say anything right away but her lips form a thin line. She looks let down, and it breaks a tiny piece of Connor.

 

Slowly nodding, “Connor, you’re never a bother.”

 

He doesn’t have a reply, so he just tilts his head forward slightly.

 

“Like you said, I have detention to get to. Thanks for reminding me.”

 

Connor shoulders his backpack and moves past Lena to start walking back to the school. The entrance doors are still busy with students making their way home. None of them really noticing him going in the opposite direction. If they did, they would see the pained look on his face. Connor just kept walking but he wanted to run back and tell Lena everything. More than he could admit.

 

_Things are different now._

**\-------**

 

He had gotten back home over an hour ago but Jude wasn’t sitting still or relaxing. Pacing back and forth in his room had become so routine he was worried he would start leaving a mark on the floor. Every once in a while he would stop and stare into his closet.

 

“Why is there nothing to wear?”  Jude groaned.

 

Frustrated and angry he threw himself down on the bed.

 

“That’s it. I’m going to call Daniel and tell him it won’t work tonight.”

 

Jude sits up and reaches for his phone. Continuing the conversation he was having with himself.

 

“Yeah, that’ll totally work.” He had only tapped out a few words before dropping his phone back on his desk with an unsatisfying _thud_.

 

“This is all Connor’s fault! Saying stupid stuff and bringing up stupid feelings. Why can’t he just leave things alone?!”

 

At this point, not even Jude knew what was going on in his head. He probably looked like a crazy person rambling to an empty room but couldn’t bring himself to care. Falling back onto his bed he lets out a frustrated sigh.

 

_I wish Taylor was here._

Covering his eyes with his arm, Jude decides a quick nap would solve all his problems. Part of him knew it was just pushing the problems off until later but the other part of him was already falling asleep.

 

A harsh _buzz_ is the next thing he hears. Squeezing his eyes shut he tries his best to ignore the annoying sound. A second _buzz_ , seemingly louder than the first, fills his entire head. So he throws a pillow in the direction he thinks it’s coming from.

 

For a few moments, as he stops to listen, he thinks that might have done the trick.

 

_Finally, some peace and quiet._

 

But the harsh _buzz_ is back and this time deeper and… farther away? Letting out a long, drawn out groan, Jude pushes himself off the bed to try and find the source of the disturbance. Surveying the room, it seems to be darker than he thought. He only starts to reach for the light switch when the noise goes off again and this time he sees the light of his phone screen. Apparently, his pillow toss had knocked it onto the ground.

 

It only took a few more second for it to click.

 

_Shit. What time is it?!_

Scrambling out of bed, he scoops up his phone and presses it to his ear.

 

“Hello?” Jude thinks that sounded entirely too groggy.

 

“Hey, Jude!”

 

It’s Daniel.

 

“So, I’m planning on heading over to pick you up. It’ll probably be like 10 minutes. Are we still good?”

 

He is talking way too fast for Jude to process everything as his brain tries in vain to wake up.

 

_God, I hope I’m not taking too long to answer._

 

Collecting his thoughts, a reply sluggishly forms. “Um, yeah. I’ll meet you outside.”

 

“Cool! See you in a bit.” Daniel is nothing but chipper.

 

Jude lets his phone fall back onto his bed and he lets out a long, drawn out sigh. Even though the amount of time he had left to get ready was miserably small, Jude found himself frozen in place. Waking up was proving to be incredibly difficult.

 

_What I would give for a coffee right now…_

As if he were struck by lightning, all of Jude’s limbs suddenly snapped to attention. His heart began to beat at such a rapid pace he was afraid it would burst out of his chest. Jude’s body was in such stark contrast to its state only moments ago and he was having trouble getting it under control.

 

“No, no, no, no. Come on, you can do this.” Jude attempts to give himself a pep talk.

 

It doesn’t work.

 

Forcing himself to move, Jude shucks off his shirt and rushes to his closet. Running his hand along the fabric of the clothes until he grabs one he thinks will look okay. Tearing it off the hanger, he shoves his arms through the sleeves and starts to button it up.

 

Jude’s nerves were getting the best of him; his hands shaking so badly he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t button up a stupid shirt. His frustration only grows at each passing second as he struggles with the buttons. Jude knows how dumb this all is, getting nervous for a date with a guy he’s not even sure he likes. But with everything that’s happening with Connor piled on top of regular date nerves, he’s pretty much a ticking time bomb of stress.

 

Jude feels the corners of his eyes begin to water as he fights back the tears. Balling up his hands into fists he bounces them on his side while he takes purposeful deep breaths to calm himself down.

 

That doesn’t work either.

 

At this point, he knows he’s going to cry. His eyes are starting to burn and he’s going to cry and he’s going to have to call off his date because he can’t button this damn shirt. Jude was too caught up in his current state to notice anyone approach him. Two cool hands gently grasp his and pull them away from his shirt. He looks up to see Stef.

 

“Hey love.” She smiles warmly.

 

With the touch of a mother, she begins to swiftly button up his shirt. Not saying a word, but applying just enough pressure to be reassuring. After the final one, she presses both hands against his chest and tries to flatten out the shirt on his thin frame.

 

Stef is still smiling. “There, now you look absolutely handsome.”

 

Jude mumbles a low reply, “Thanks mom.”

 

There’s no answer but she squeezes his shoulder once and then leads him out of the room. Jude pauses for a moment and her face begins drawing lines of worry. He scoops up his phone off the bed and lets his mom guide him downstairs.

 

They walk silently until they reach the front door and then a comfortable pause sets in. Stef knows Jude will wait there until his date arrives and never considers leaving him alone.

 

“This is nothing, you should see how nervous I was for my first date with Lena.”

 

Jude smirks, “What makes you think this is a date?”

 

“Oh, please.” Stef shakes her head before letting out a small laugh. “Word travels fast at school and my wonderful wife happened to inform me about what’s happening with my son.”

 

She raises an eyebrow before finishing, “Not like he tells me anything.”

 

Letting out a mirthful laugh, Jude brings her in for a quick hug. “I’d tell you if it was anything important.”

 

It was Stef’s turn to laugh, “Poor fellow doesn’t know what he’s getting into!”

 

Jude’s jaw drops and looks at his mom in shock, then playfully shoves her.

 

“I didn’t say it, you did!” Stef fakes being hurt.

 

A phone vibrating cuts off whatever Jude was about to say. Fishing it out of his pocket, he glances at the screen.

 

“He’s outside.”

 

“I don’t even get to meet him?!” She grins widely and pulls her son in for another hug.

 

“Don’t worry, he’s the lucky one.”

 

_That’s what people keep telling me._

**\-------**

 

Connor rushes into his house and throws his bag towards the pile of shoes in the corner. Making a dash for the stairs up to his room, he only gets halfway across the entrance hall.

 

“Is that you, Connor.”

Glancing towards the living room, he sees his dad on the couch focused on the TV.

 

“Yeah. How was your day?”

 

Adam shifts in his spot to survey Connor, his eyes squinting as if something is eluding him.

 

“It was good. Everything okay?”

 

Connor stops his foot from tapping impatiently before he can answer.

 

“I suppose. Why?”

 

His dad lets out a small laugh, “You just seem a little jittery. There’s a girl waiting in your room upstairs.” Adam nods his head towards the stairs before turning back to the TV.

 

Connor couldn’t help himself. “What? Not going to tell me to keep the door open?”

 

He couldn’t see it, but the sound of his voice made it obvious that Adam was rolling his eyes.

 

“Oh yeah, I am so worried about you being alone with a girl.” Adam shakes his head. “Seriously, door open when boys are over. I don’t care how old you are.”

 

Connor allows himself a small smile, “Of course, dad.”

 

Without a syllable more, Connor barrels up the stairs and into his room only to find Taylor just lying on his bed. She seems to be taking a nap and had helped herself to his headphones as the red plastic shines off the top of her head. He knows better than to scare her, so he taps her gently on the foot.

 

She peeks with one eye but squeezes it shut moments later. Her face begins to resemble someone getting tortured, an over-the-top grimace.

 

“What took you so long?”

 

“What can I say? I’m just so lucky that my time in detention was nearly doubled.”

 

“That sucks.”

 

Taylor is sitting up on his bed now, stretching her arms until they make a satisfying crack. She tucks her legs underneath herself and drags the pillow higher up the wall so she can lean against it. Connor is pulling his desk chair over to the bed before plopping down and throwing his legs onto the bed.  
  
Connor starts, “So… where do we begin?”

 

He looks over at Taylor and waits for her to say something but she just kind of sits there with a puzzled look on her face. Which was strange because it was a pretty straightforward question.

 

She suddenly looks straight at him, “I think you need to tell me what happened?”

 

“At school today?” Connor is surprised but begrudgingly tells her, “I guess I was just- “

 

“No.” Taylor shakes her head dismissively.

 

“That’s not what I mean. Why did you and Jude break-up?” She pauses, “I know this might be hard to talk about but I feel like I need to know if you want my help.”

 

He just stares at her with wide eyes, his mouth hanging open. A few seconds pass and he blinks rapidly as if that would somehow increase his understanding.

 

“W-what?”

 

Taylor lets out a quick sigh, “Look, I’ll understand if you don’t want to talk about it.”

He hesitates, “No. Uh, no it’s not that. I just assumed he would’ve told you.”

 

“Jude? Nope, he’s never brought it up. I’m not going to push him.”

 

Connor runs a hand through his hair, “Right, yeah. I can tell you.”

 

He bounces his fists against his knees a few times before swinging his legs off the bed and onto the floor. Maybe if he grounds himself just a bit more it would be easier.  
  
One final breath escapes, “It was all my fault.”

 

As much as he wishes it wasn’t true. That all the pain he went through, Jude went through, wasn’t preventable. But it is, and it was. He should’ve saw it coming and stopped it. By the time he did it was already too late. He’s gone over it in his head time and time again. There’s no denying it.

 

“It was my fault.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it's been an insane amount of time since I've last updated. I'll try to be better in the future. I still have the whole fic plotted out and some more chapters written. I'm planning on going back and rewriting the prologue/chapter 1 before publishing anything new. I hope to see you soon. Any feedback is appreciated, as always. Thanks!


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